October 13, 2010

fear and sunshine


Today it took almost forty minutes of sitting in my car, in the parking structure, to convince myself to come to work. You see, this is my last week at a company I've been with for four years. I will miss this place. These people. (Well, let's be honest... some of them.) And while I'll be happy to experience something new, I'm also scared. Scared of what lies ahead of me. Scared I am making a mistake. That I am not living up to my life's potential. But that's just fear, right? Fear is irrational. Unproductive. A dead end.

I contemplated sitting in my car all day. Listening to NPR, playing solitaire, maybe napping. But, I couldn't keep that crazy choice a secret forever... how would I explain the missing day's pay to my husband? How embarrassing it'd be to admit succumbing to fear. And so, I clipped on my trusty security badge, packed my bag and left the car.

As I made the five+ minute walk from the parking structure to work, I still felt a strong pull back to the safety of my car. But, as I got to my desk, checked my email, I saw that a gift was waiting... a request to submit my time card through the end of the week immediately. Translation: if I feel this fear again, if I need a moment alone to calm the nerves, I can do so with no one knowing. No one. Well, no one but me... and now you. {wink}
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When I was a child and felt fear, I'd calm myself with the song You Are My Sunshine. Maybe I need to bring it back for some good ol' fashioned soothing.

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