October 13, 2010

rewriting my dreams

This morning on the dreaded Facebook one acquaintance said to another something to the affect of, "You look absolutely fabulous. Following your dreams has certainly done well for you. Blah, blah, blah." And suddenly there I was mid-coffee sip, panic stricken. 'Cause it was then I realized, "F (!), I am not following my dreams (!)".

But, WAIT, it gets deeper.

See, the problem is not that I gave up on my dreams to face reality, or anything as cliche as that. The problem is, once I realized my original, childish dreams were no longer valid, I forgot to write new ones. I forgot that even as we grow older and gain responsibility and face challenges, we still have to have dreams. And not life-goals... that's too practical for what I'm looking for. I want pie-in-the-sky, rock-on-a-hammock-all-morning-&-fantasize type dreams.

So, I'm thinking now. Thinking hard about what my dreams are, because frankly, although my life looks a little different from what I thought it would as a child, my life is Pretty. F-ing. Great. And I have a sneaking suspicion one could look at me and say, too, "You look absolutely fabulous. Following your dreams has certainly done well for you." But first, I need to figure out what following my dreams looks like...

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fear and sunshine

Today it took almost forty minutes of sitting in my car, in the parking structure, to convince myself to come to work. You see, this is my last week at a company I've been with for four years. I will miss this place. These people. (Well, let's be honest... some of them.) And while I'll be happy to experience something new, I'm also scared. Scared of what lies ahead of me. Scared I am making a mistake. That I am not living up to my life's potential. But that's just fear, right? Fear is irrational. Unproductive. A dead end.

I contemplated sitting in my car all day. Listening to NPR, playing solitaire, maybe napping. But, I couldn't keep that crazy choice a secret forever... how would I explain the missing day's pay to my husband? How embarrassing it'd be to admit succumbing to fear. And so, I clipped on my trusty security badge, packed my bag and left the car.

As I made the five+ minute walk from the parking structure to work, I still felt a strong pull back to the safety of my car. But, as I got to my desk, checked my email, I saw that a gift was waiting... a request to submit my time card through the end of the week immediately. Translation: if I feel this fear again, if I need a moment alone to calm the nerves, I can do so with no one knowing. No one. Well, no one but me... and now you. {wink}

When I was a child and felt fear, I'd calm myself with the song You Are My Sunshine. Maybe I need to bring it back for some good ol' fashioned soothing.

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October 11, 2010

a delicious start with Lonny

Once again I find myself a moment away from diving into Lonny Magazine and I can hardly wait. But first, a delicious cup of Earl Grey tea awaits me. {See you soon.}

October 5, 2010

courage to fall

Today I made a large commitment on the job front. One that will keep me "safe" for a long while I hope.  It's had me nervous all morning. I know I'm making the right move, but it's scary nonetheless.

Then, this afternoon as fate would have it, I stumbled across a chat excerpt that I saved from exactly a year & a half ago...
me: i can't tell if you're supposed to "follow your dreams" or be safe in consideration of the damn world falling apart. friend: both? me: ugh. me: and how? friend: by focusing on the safety friend: and only pursuing dreams in spare time me: but can you truly obtain your dreams when you don't let go of safety? friend: no friend: but you can inch closer so that when it is safe to let go, you are closer to the ground when you fall.
One day, when the time is right, I hope I still have the courage to fall.

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October 4, 2010

a headboard for my... head

I found it. Finally. The headboard that makes me want to rest myself against it with a good book, a cup of tea, and read endless pages of beautiful prose. It's simple. Chic. And looks as if it will pair perfectly with our new German bed and the IKEA lamps we purchased almost a year ago and have yet to install...

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October 2, 2010

a dose of reality

This morning on NPR's Weekend Edition I listened to an informative and subtle, yet heartbreaking story that explains yet another Wal-Mart Effect: folks surviving on food stamps and government checks shopping at midnight the last day of the month as their funds kick in. 

The story talked about Walmart changing stocking patterns to better provide for these families... cupboards going bare the last week and a half of the month... parents working multiple jobs just to eek by... sadly, all things we've grown accustom to hearing. But what really struck me about this story was the image of the Tracey and Martin Young, the couple interviewed here, taking this trip to a far away Walmart while their five children slept so they could "wake up and be able to have what they want for breakfast". 

Nick and I have been talking over the last few days about our own food consumption and grocery shopping habits as we look to plan for our future and having a family of our own.  We've discussed menu planning, cutting back on Whole Foods, choosing less pre-made food and cooking more. And, it's easy to look at our own situation in the bubble of our lives and forget what's happening around us. But this story has really hit me in the gut. I think the conversation may change now, or at least get a little bit deeper as I remember how lucky we are to have food in our cupboard everyday of the year...

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