This morning I felt empowered. A delicious, light organic breakfast. Fair trade coffee with fresh ground hazelnut. I sat in my dining room, sun on my back. And while eating this food and drinking this coffee I wrote in my little journal about turning thirty. It was a perfect hour to begin my day. The fiance awoke, nice good morning kiss. We danced around each other, still trying to get used to this one-bathroom-household life. I found a cute outfit to wear and was out the door.
On my way into the office I spoke to my mom. A little bit 'bout life. A little 'bout wedding planning. A call comes in while we're chatting, but I press "ignore" 'cause we're discussing my involvement the day-of the wedding. (I need to win this point. I am not out to be a princess on my wedding day. I am throwing a party to be shared with people I love and enjoy. I insist on being involved. After all, I'm empowered this morning.) End the call. Park the car. I slip on my sassy red shoes, grab my purse, coffee, cute cardigan, and oh yes, my phone. Oh, and that phone call... what was that phone call? I bring the phone to my ear, feeling good 'cause it's been a great morning. A pleasant and slightly familiar voice on the end other end... but, then I hear "Mammogram." "Monday." "Oncologist." "Have a nice day."
And this is where my heart starts racing and I panic.
TO CLARIFY: No, I don't hate mammograms. (I'm used to them by now.) The word "oncologist" doesn't scare me. (I have a great one. Having him on my team comforts me.) What gets to me is the element of surprise. And the timing. It's knowing that I am going to now walk into my office and spend the next little while on the phone, once again, dealing with my health concerns. But, I'm okay, right? I'm feeling empowered today. Feeling strong.
Three hours later I no longer feel strong. Seven phone calls later I feel tired. Overwhelmed. Sad. No longer empowered. My eyes have filled with tears three times, my voice quivered with the insurance rep. My once strong demeanor for the day has now melted and I only want to cry.
And I guess I'm just here wondering... how do I get my empowered self back?